Second scrutiny on Sunday was, again, amazing. I can't remember the exact words but baptism was mentioned. So I got dismissed and Margaret and I were talking about Satan in his quiet way is trying to stop me being baptized. Because lets face it - he doesn't want anyone doing what God tells them to do anyways, I think hes trying to dissuade me by preying on my feelings of... -un-acceptableness before the Almighty. I know what baptism does with the forgiveness of sin and all punishment due to actual and original sin but after that I'm scared about sinning again to be honest. But I know its going to happen eventually ("you'll probably want to receive this sacrament before Christmas"). I know that Jesus gave us the sacrament of reconciliation because he knows us but I think confessing to someone else is my problem. I'm afraid he is going to judge me. When I go to confession I don't want a lecture on how I know I've been bad and shouldn't have done it etc etc etc... basically, I just want him to help me get the grace I need in order to avoid that particular sin/s again without the lecture. Perhaps I need to have a talk with someone before going to my first confession or even with the priest on the mechanics of the whole thing. I know I'm not actually talking TO the priest, but to Christ and it is Christ who forgives me but I can still see a priest sitting there. I hope the annon. way of confessing (behind the screen) doesn't go out of style because that's the way I'm going to be doing it for a good long while, if not forever. I don't know why Kate was shocked when I said I was going to do my confessions like that...
I am ashamed of the way I have behaved and I am sort of glad that I haven't been baptized before but if I had I wonder if any of it would ever have happened.
Oh yes, grandma and dad are going to be coming to the easter vigil! Mum was a bit hesitant but she said she would be there for me. I'm glad she said that. Very glad.
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